Stabbed With God’s Knife…

Some time ago I was listening to another young leader share his heart, what had happened in his life and his vision for the future. What he shared was truly inspiring, but strangely enough, I found myself groaning on the inside. I could not simply rejoice at his success…This led me the following morning, to probe down into myself. What it revealed was like getting stabbed with God’s knife. It led me to jot down the following thoughts:

Lord, continue to break all insecurity in me that is based in pride. Let me truly rejoice at other people’s successes.

Insecurity as a leader leads to competition and comparison. Why do I groan when other leaders are successful? Especially successes that embody something I want to be. It becomes “my kingdom” instead of “His kingdom.”

What is this kind of insecurity based on? What is the root? Pride and fear? Is it just as simple as me wanting to be in the center? Wanting myself to be made much of? It seems obvious that I am not satisfied when I slip into the background. Something in me says: “I need to step in, I need to be seen, I want to impress.” In other words I try to seek glory from men. So it is also fear of men. Insecurity then seeks approval in the wrong place. This in turn goes to show that I do not live in the fullness of God’s approval.

The challenge is that approval by men is not necessarily a bad thing. Rom 14:18 “He who serves Christ in these things is acceptable to God and approved by men.” But as a source of security, it is very shaky. Approval is good, seeking approval from man is treacherous.

I do not live in the fullness of God’s approval/love. I need a deeper revelation and experience of Your love. That is the true path to freedom. It brings the ability to truly rejoice at another’s success. So the cure is to receive your love, and to bless, love and pray for those who embody our desired success.

Since that day, whenever I feel the “groaning” coming. I just repeat this sentence to myself: “God, my approval is in you” and I feel like a puff of fresh air coming into my spirit. I can truly rejoice at other’s successes.

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